Looking Back

Why am I even writing now? Maybe because someone thinks that I am playing a game? Am I or am I not? It has not really occurred to me to do so, but what if I come across as a player? I'm not sure how to justify that, but I am sure that when it comes to love, relationship or whatever term you would call it, I am in denial.

Just like any other person, I have had my heartbroken, twice I think, and that may be the reason why I am in denial. In denial about things that I deserved. Maybe until right now, I still think that I don't deserve what most people wishes for which is a kind of love that people maybe able to move mountains with. In all honesty, I think that I don't deserved to be loved or perhaps I am not lovable enough. Maybe that is why I continue to deny myself with the chances that life has given me, why I continuously make the wrong choices. Because deep inside me, I am afraid of showing my real self and be rejected for being what I am to someone who you would gladly cross a 100 oceans.

This has got to change and I need to change that, I have to change that. I think, it's time that I stop hiding and start being unafraid of what life may bring me. I used to give excuses, that he's not my type,blah, blah, blah, but in reality, what I'm really thinking is I'm not his type and I'm just afraid to find that out.

So now, though there is still fear in my heart, I know that I may cry later on, but the thing is I may be able to be happy, happier that I have ever been, I will stop denying myself and face love head-on, for love is a gift that we should not waste, not now, not ever.